Tuesday, July 10, 2012

The Most Disappointing Movies

After listing the most badass movies, now I want to list the most disappointing movies I have ever watched chronologically. WARNING, this page is very political, if you are a sensitive who can't stand strong words or different opinions LEAVE NOW! You have been warned:

Pearl Harbor (2001)
Directed by: Michael Bay.
I am a history buff with soft spot for World War II and battleships. That's why I LOVE "Tora Tora Tora" so much! That's why I highly anticipated "Pearl Harbor". Note: at that time, I don't have any clue that "Directed by Michael Bay" equals to "Big explosions with stupid plots to connect each of them." Boy, I was extremely pissed when they wasted hours and hours of the movie for a love triangle! 

Hey asshole, if you want to put a love triangle in so many screentime in a World War II movie like this, make sure that bitch die horribly, like for example, receiving a 1000-pound bomb in her vagina, while those 2 losers eat her shit to prove their love, THEN I WILL GIVE YOUR MOVIE 2 THUMBS UP! The Pearl Harbor attack is about hundreds of Japanese airplanes blowing up American ships, rains of bombs, torpedo ripping ships, BULLET STORM, not love! For this movie MAKE WAR, NOT LOVE, retards!

Shortest description of this movie: whining melodramatic pussy!

The Last Samurai (2003)
Directed by: Edward Zwick
Before I watched "The Last Samurai," I had high hopes too. Edward Zwick was an excellent director. His movie "Glory" was not historically accurate 100%, but it did justice for every warrior it depicted, unlike the whiny-melodramatic-pussy "Pearl Harbor." But, looks like I am still very naive at that time, since I kid myself that a Caucasian can be "A Last Samurai." Oh yeah, it is also about a love story between the caucasian with a japanese woman whose husband was killed by him. Douche ...

And the "Caucasian samurai" is the least of my problem. The biggest problem with this movie is about one of its main character who was played by Ken Watanabe. Saigo Takamori, the Japanese big-shot who become the base of that character, is a war wackie. He was against the building of railways since he thought all money should be used to build the military. He suggested the Japanese at that time to INVADE KOREA. As the cassus belli, he proposed to send HIMSELF as an ambassador to insult the Koreans. Yup, he planned to personally insult the Korean as terrible as possible, provoking them to kill him. The government of that time thought this idea was nuts. His reaction to them was: "FUCK YOU PUSSIES, you don't deserve to lead this country!" He went back to his hometown, gathering all similar-minded samurai, inciting a rebellion, and starting the Seinan War. After the Japanese government crushed him, they suddenly realized, he was right! They admit that they are just pussies, and follow his advice by annexing Korea, then invading China, followed by sneak-attacking the Russians, beat the shit out of the outnumbered Germans in China, and finally of course ... gave USA the low-blow in Pearl Harbor. All of this to put Japan on its rightful place: as the leader of Asia!

So, contrary to the movie, the problem of the Japanese was not "the lost of the samurai spirit". Their problem was, they are too fucking proud to admit that those Samurai like Saigo are obnoxious-bloodthirsty-douchebags who dragged their country and the whole East Asia region to hell. Good for us the United States finally kicked their ass during the 2nd World War, showing that "Samurai Spirit" is no match against industrial superiority.

So, in essence, "Pearl Harbor" is like a whining pussy, while "The Last Samurai" is like a testosterone poisoned monkey who is too eager to throw shit to other monkeys, AND the people who glorify them.

Shortest description of this movie: Testosterone poisoned-shit throwing-monkey!

The Forbidden Kingdom (2008)
Wow, Jet Li and Jackie Chan in the same movie? This is a kungfu porn! Unfortunately that is not the case. I already put my expectation for the plot as low as possible, but the plot is not only "low." It is insulting my intelligence! Can you imagine how a group of monks could charge a fortress full with thousands of heavenly warriors, going through all of its defense until they reached it main hall, WITHOUT sounding one single alarm? Oh yeah, those monks also carried JACKIE CHAN ON A STRETCHER!!

That's it, the plot is not only bad, it is insulting! Dude, if you really want to make a movie about Jackie Chan and Jet Li fighting, just make a tournament movie without any backstory. That movie would be stupid, but at least NOT INSULTING OUR INTELLIGENCE!

Shortest description of this movie: Lobotomized idiot script writer!

Transformer: Revenge of the Fallen (2009)
Directed by: Michael Bay
The first Transformer is a very good movie. Unlike other Michael Bay movies, it is very enjoyable, I root for the protagonists, the joke works, etc. That's why I really eager to watch the second Transformer movie. Just like before I watched "Forbidden Kingdom," I never expect the plot to be good. I even joked it was okay for me to watched the Autobots trying to rob a retirement home, while the Decepticons try to defend it. I just want to watch some giant robots beating each other! And I am still disappointed.

This is not a movie, but a mess, a trainwreck. After an hour watching it, my head starts spinning. Once its credit was rolling, my head can't stop drilling, imploding, and exploding at the same time. The giant robots really beat each other but it is as if you are strapped into one of their fist! Hey Michael Bay, a battle scene only works if the audience CAN FOLLOW what happens! If the scene caused the audience headache, that means the director's sucks ass!

Oh yeah, some fighting scenes is also non-sensical. One example: Why the Decepticon tried to kill Optimus Prime in an open field using a blade? Why not rained some rockets, bullets, and beam to that do-gooder face? Hey idiots, you came from Cybertron, not Middle-Earth! Don't mix it!

Shortest description of this movie: Headache!

Avatar (2009)
Directed by: James Cameron
I know, I know, I only watch this movie to see the newest moviemaking technology, but its naive-cliche-leftist-peaceniks-treehugging preaching is just too much for me!

What? You don't understand why i called this movie "naive-cliche bla bla bla preaching"? Let me guess ... You thought that the whiteman always exploited the "pure and innocent natives" right?

Folks, "always victimized and innocent natives" IS A MYTH! Do you seriously think that all the natives in America, Africa, Australia, etc. sit together around a campfire and sing Kumbaya every night before the whiteman came? Nope, they busting each other skulls, spearing each other chest, looting each other settlement, etc. They harassed other tribes, drove each other from fertile areas, raped each other women, etc. What about the Aztecs and the Inca who already has empire? Are you freaking kidding me? They were the guys who SACRIFICE HUMAN as part of their religion! I am no fans of Christianity, but at least the Jesus religion already realized that human sacrifice should be stopped.

Not convinced yet? Predictable. Many leftist-treehuggers love "nature" more than fellow humans. Let me inform you that the natives of the Easter Island devastated its forest BEFORE the first whiteman touched Easter's Island soil. Somalia was once a green area. It was not the European who cut down all the trees, it was the natives. Still think that all indigenous tribes are wise-innocent folks?

OF COURSE! Blaming the local-indigenous people is not "hip" or "trendy" or "cool" or ... whatever. The left and the green are both already indoctrinated that every single wrongs in this world was due to the greedy whitemen! This kind of indoctrination and prejudice was strengthened by stupid movies like "Avatar."

But WAIT! That is not the only myth Cameron wanted to perpetuate! There is also another myth: the "Every military personnel is a warmonger & baby-killer" Myth! Leftists hates military. Yeah, we got it. So, they use every single chance to create one dimensional-evil military characters. Where does this myth come from? I suggest you read Samuel Huntington's Ph.D. dissertation: "The Soldier and the State." He recognized the clash between the left and the military is because of the contrast of their initial assumption of human nature. Leftist think naively that all humans are basically good, while military think pessimistically that all humans has bestial root. I think both of them have valid points. Humans could become a beast, and a saint. But NO, many (or all?) leftist refuse to admit that the military has some valid points, and start preaching bullshit like "world peace" and "the best war is worse than the worse peace." Stupid, stupid, stupid! Hey looney, have you ever paused and THINK what kind of peace will come if there is no war against Hitler? Against Imperial Japan? That's why Sam Harris said "A psychopath with a blunt knife could slaughter a village of pacifists."

The (true-professional) military is smarter in this regard: they think that war is inevitable, so it is stupid to start a war, but it is very wise to prepare for one. Don't believe me? Do you remember that the German military basically told Hitler that he need to COOL DOWN and forget about his plan of conquest? Or when the communist politicians in Soviet Union  were eager to annihilate all the capitalists country with nuclear warheads, it was the military who inform them what "nuclear winter" and "nuclear retaliation" means. Also same in the US. During the first gulf war, the military was actually reluctant to invade Iraq. During the Clinton administration, it was Madeline Albright who said "What's the point of having a miltary if you don't use it?" NOT the generals. Or the admirals. Huntington already predicted that. Professional soldiers are pessimists because they will always counsel his government that the military IS NOT ready for a war.

Maybe as a counterargument, a leftist will say that it was the militaristic Japanese Army and Navy who drove Japan to many wars. Huntington already predicted that counter-argument too. Japanese military were not driven by military logic. Remember my previous rant about Saigo Takamori? Japanese generals and admirals were driven by some über-macho-chauvinistic-warrior code of the samurai. Only their best leader, Admiral Yamamoto Isoroku, tried to persuade others that a war against the US is a suicide.

A true professional soldier will fight for his country, for his people, not for his company or his salary. If Cameron contrasted the typical "baby-killer" soldier with true-professional soldiers, I will give him some credits. But no, he decided to contrast the baby-killers with 2 traitors. Typical ...

Shortest description of this movie: naive-cliche-leftist-peaceniks-treehugging preaching!

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