Friday, June 8, 2012

Bullshit Building 6: Ryugyong Hotel

"Kim Jong-il's official biography states he was born in a secret military camp on Baekdu Mountain(Korean: 백두산밀영고향집) in Japanese-occupied Korea on 16 February 1942. Official biographers claim that his birth at Baekdu Mountain was foretold by a swallow, and heralded by the appearance of a double rainbow" across the sky over the mountain and a new star in the heavens.""

That is the official explanation how the second supreme leader of North Korea was born, written in his wikipedia page. Since such hyperbole is the norm of official North Korean supreme leader's biography, I'll do the same in this article when explaining their bullshit building: The Ryugyong Hotel.

The Beginning
The year is 1986. The Ssang Yong construction company from South Korea built the tallest hotel of that time: the Westin Stamford Singapore. Meanwhile, in North Korea, the highly revered supreme leader Kim Il Sung was restless. 

He was extremely pissed when the prediction of Korea reunification at his 70th birthday in 1982 was proven wrong. He was boiled with anger when he saw his "degenerate" southern capitalist neighbor become richer and richer, making the military conquest impossible. Hey, the supreme leader could send all South Korean and US war machines to oblivion with ease, but that is using his own fist.

No. That was too easy, and not the correct way. The supreme leader want his people to use their own blood and sweat to wipe out those capitalist pigs in the South. The military conquest had to wait.

Speaking of military conquest ... the people of North Korea already starving because all the state's obsession with military funding instead of food production and distribution. The anger grew because the supreme leader loved his country and his people so much. How dare the South Koreans defied the will of the supreme leader and starved their Northern brothers? Any person with moral  and intelligence will agree that South Korea has to embrace Kim Il Sung to end the suffering of their Northern brothers, how could they refuse to yield? Unbelievable ...

At that time, some badass dudes from the west tried to reason with the supreme leader.  Their plan:  if he refused their reasoning, they will just use their badassery to intimidate him.  Perfect plan, because all three of them thought that they were the pinnacle of badassery. Their plan went awry very fast. 

In the beginning of their meeting, Kim Il Sung heard about Westin Stamford Singapore. That's it, that 's the last straw!! He was very pissed!! Even his boxers and trousers were burned by the magma from his piss hole. The western dudes who was visiting him at that time was so intimidated that they even cowered into the corner. They were shaking in terror when they saw the supreme leader ripped the fabric of time and reality while he screamed a thunderous curse, so strong that the Chernobyl reactor far away from Pyongyang was busted. Oh, by the way, he did all of this while he did 100 back-flips in a split second. The name of those dudes who shit themselves in the corner: Chuck Norris, The Incredible Hulk, and James Bond.  Other than that, unlike the pussy Hulk, the supreme leader went total nude. Only after his son, Kim Jong Il, who was as powerful as him,  came and calmed him down he managed to stop destroying the universe. After he was calmed down, he continued the meeting in nude just because he can! Then he began to talk to his shitless guests.

"Gentleman, the meeting is over. Tell everyone else in the world that my glorious Democratic People's Republic of Korea will surpass that puny hotel in Singapore. Now PISSED OFF before I change my mind and start writing those messages with your intestines!" said the highest leader to his guests. So the degenerate western "badasses" ran with their tail between legs.

The Design & Construction
The Hotel in 1992 - 2008. Picture taken in 2004
The hotel that would surpass Westin Stamford Singapore was no pushover. It is 330 meter (1080 feet) tall, taller than the 226 meter (741 ft) tall Westin Stamford Singapore. It would hold the honor of "the tallest hotel in the world" until 2009. 

The pyramid-shape hotel is so large that it easily dominated Pyongyang skyline. The enormous size we are speaking here not only about the physical size, but also its cost. Some estimated that this hotel cost around $750 million. That means, the money that was used for these building was enough to feed North Korean people. Never mind, they need some suffering. Hey, their suffering will make their inevitable victory even sweeter.

The supreme leader was so generous that he let the capitalist open casino, nightclubs, and Japanese lounge inside the hotel. Let them see for themselves how the glorious people of Korea surpass the Singapore capitalist abomination! Only a man as great as our great leader could be so generous!

Unfortunately, other comrades were not as great as our great leader. The Soviet Union collapsed together with most of their satellites. That's what happened when ordinary people try to be a leader!

The main problem with that collapse is, it also weakened the North Korea economy even further. The construction had to be stopped in 1992 due to shortage of food, money, and electricity. At that time, the great leader was already picked his helmet, he would finish the construction in a single day single-handedly! But his son pointed out:
"Dad, this supposed to be the symbol of our people. Your intervention here will be used by those degenerates enemy of revolution that our people depended on you!"

That hit Kim Il Sung hard. He realized that he himself become impediment of the greatness of his people, because of his own greatness. Reluctantly, he didn't intervene, and slowly preparing his son to ascendancy. 2 years after the end of the construction, the supreme Kim Il Sung decided that his son was ready to lead the great nation. He also decided to move to the higher plane. Of course the counter-revolutionaries in the west declared that he was dead, but that is a blatant lies! How he could be dead when he already made Death his bitch years ago?

The End (??)
Years after the construction stopped, the hollow body of the hotel remained. No windows, paints or any other covering covered the concrete body of the hotel. Kim Jong Il busied himself with his nuclear weapons project, scaring the shit out of other nations, especially those traitorous leaders of South Korea!

Construction only resumed in 2008, and the finishing will be done by 2012. This hotel will give the whole world an irrefutable evidence of the greatness of Kim Il Sung and his descendants. Hey, they managed to build this 5-stars hotel despite the economic sanction, poverty, and famine! 

After he was sure that his father's last project would be finished, Kim Jong Il decided that it was time for him to join his father in the heavenly plane. He would personally tell his father of this good news! 

Previous Bullshit Building: Yamoussoukro Basilica
Next Bullshit Building: Patuxai Triumphal Arch

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