My Dream Car

I am appalled. Whenever I asked most men about their ultimate dream car, most of them answer with sport cars. You know, like:

Lamborghini Aventador? Pff, too regular.

Ferrari F12Berlinetta? It looks like an asshole.

Porsche 911? Are you kiddin me? That car is smaller than my fist!

Aston Martin whatever? Too snobbish.

Bugatti Veyron? Zzzzz ... snore ...

Let me list the reasons why ANY sport car sucks in my city, Jakarta:

1) Maneuverability 

The streets in Jakarta are simply too crowded. That's why you have to be brave to drive in Jakarta whenever you want to move your car to the next lane in a traffic jam. No, don't even try to shout, or scream, or pushing your horn. It is just useless. You only need to hit your gas pedal whenever you see an opening, whatever your distance to the next cars Good luck trying to do that with your Aston Martin! I bet your heart would scream far whenever you think about it. Speaking about crowded streets ...

2) Speed

That means you can't drive faster than 25 kmph. Even in some special cases whenever the streets were empty, you would hit some speed-bumps or holes or even a simple uneven surface. That would damaged your chassis in a blink of an eye. Just imagine your Ferrari's chassis got hit from below by a sledgehammer or pneumatic drill REPEATEDLY. Here, use my tissue to clean-up your tears. You'll need it!

3) Flooding

Other than that, until today (2014) flooding is still a routine problem in Jakarta. Try to run through 0,5 meter flood with your Bugatti Veyron. Picture the moment when dirty-black-waters of Jakarta flooded the gas-guzzling engine of your Bugatti Veyron. Here, I still have more tissues!

4) Criminals

Oh, driving those expensive sport cars would also draw attention of many criminals. You know, carjacks, robbers armed with axe, even corrupt policemen. Picture the moment when you and your sport cars got robbed by one of those criminals. NOT MANLY AT ALL!! BTW, looks like even all my tissues can't help you any longer ...

5) Capacity

The most popular cars in Jakarta are family cars. You know, cars where you bring not only your wife and children, but also your bro's wife, and his children too! Try to put all of that in your Porsche. Unless your  and your bro's whole family are clown by profession, that is just simply impossible! What, your dream cars can't even be used to transport your family? Man, your dream car sucks!

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

That's why none of those cars can hold the candle for my favorite car: GAZ BTR-80.

What? You never heard that name before? That's because most men were too busy eating up all the hype for those USELESS sport cars. That's because most men forget that utility ALWAYS beats fashion. Substance ALWAYS beats style. Their ears become deaf whenever a true dream car, like mine, arrive. Here let me give you its picture:

Here, let me put some of its specs (from wikipedia):

Specifications
Weight	13.6 tonnes (15.0 tons)
Length	7.7 m (25.3 ft)
Width	2.9 m (9.5 ft)
Height	2.41 m (7.9 ft)
Crew	3 (+7 passengers)

Engine	diesel KamAZ-7403 260 hp (190 kW)

Speed	80-90 km/h (49.7–55.9 m/h) swim 10 km/h (6.2 m/h)

Now, let's check those problems that make any sport car sucks again, shall we?

1) Crowded street and maneuverability

No need for arguing, screaming, or horn-pushing. A slight glance from anyone will convince them to give you ANY space! It is either YOUR WAY or the HARD WAY.

2) Speed

Read #1. With BTR-80, you just hit your gas pedal, and you'll brake for no one. Speed bumps? Holes? Uneven roads? Who cares, you are driving an 8 wheel drive armored battle vehicle!

3) Flooding

If you read the specs above carefully, you'll notice that it has 10 kmph swimming speed. Yes, BTR-80  can swim. Yes, IT REALLY CAN SWIM. 

4) Criminals

What kind of criminal dare to touch a combat vehicle? A soon-dead criminal, that's who.

5) Capacity

See the specs above? It can drive 10 people inside. Since the space is huge, you can also bring your whole family AND both yours and theirs motorcycles for examples.

Plus, there is a big bonus for every dad who owns a BTR-80.

Just imagine, everytime you drive your son to their school, EVERYONE would be awed. "Mercedes S Class? BMW? Lexus? Rolls Royce? You still can't beat my dad's BTR-80!"

Here, use my tissue to wipe your manly tears from your manly eyes. You'll need it.

BTW, I guess some of you will argue that Hummer already doing everything in my list. Not really.  Are you and your Hummer brave enough to run THROUGH Jakarta's traffic jam? Can your hummer ignore Indonesian road holes? Can your Hummer swim, I mean CAN IT REALLY SWIM? Is Hummer criminalproof? Can your Hummer bring you and 9 of your friends/families? NO, NO, NO, NO, AND NO!! So screw your Hummer too!

QED: Objectively, my dream car can objectively kick any of your dream car's buttocks anytime, anywhere, especially in Jakarta. Unlike sport cars, for BTR-80, style isn't exist to mask the absence of substance. It is the opposite, it is its utility, its substance that creates, permeates, and radiates style, MANLY STYLE!

Addendum 13.09.2014: I really envy this guy. At the same time, guys like him are those who give me hope for the future of mankind!

The Scariest Computer Company

Take a guess! I am sure many of you will have the same answer with me! I am sure many will also answer differently. My guess most people will think that Apple with its cult-like devotees. Others will think it is Facebook because it is the main threat to our privacy. Or the old hegemon, Microsoft, who still ruled the OS Market of desktop and still big as hell. Nope, they are not the scariest. You can guess now which company I am talking about right?

No contest. It is Google.

Yes, Google is even scarier than Apple, Facebook, & MS. Here is why:

1) Can you avoid Google?

I never buy or use any Apple product. Result: I save tons of money! Hurra!

I use Facebook all the time, but I can imagine I never use it anymore. On some busy days, I didn't touch Facebook for the whole day and nothing bad happens.

Oh Microsoft? 10-15 years ago it was impossible to avoid, but now you can use MacOS or Linux or Unix to avoid Windows; Open Office or Libre Office to avoid MS Office; Opera, Firefox, Lunascape, and many other browsers to avoid Internet Explorer, etc.

Try to avoid Google. Everyday I use Youtube, Google search, Gmail, Google Book, Google Scholar, and Google Translate. Millions used smartphones powered by Android. Millions depend on Google maps. NO FREAKIN WAY we can avoid Google in totality even only for a day.

2) Has Google failed spectacularly?

Apple lost its market share in the 1990s. Steve Jobs was fired during that era. More recently, Apple Maps sucks. Steve Jobs renaissance is great for Apple, but after his death, Apple surely lost its mojo, and I don't expect them to be as successful as his time. Not scary.

Facebook spend 1 billion Dollar to buy Instagram. Their business model is questionable at best. They only manage to make money recently. Not scary.

Microsoft Zune crash and burn, while Microsoft Windows slowly lose its relevance. Not scary at all.

Let's see ... GoogleTV failed ... that's it? Is there any other notable fail from Google? Not that I can think of! Wait, wait, I know, what you think, Google+ is Google's most spectacular failure right? Check #5.

3) Has any of them capability to watch your house 24/7?

Microsoft try to do that with their Kinect 2.0 in Xbox One. It failed spectacularly because of the massive boycott and protests. Google will try to do that. They just buy Nest Labs, you know, the company that makes smart thermostat that monior your house 24/7 and send the data to the internet. No one protests so far (How can they protest?). That's only make argument #1 even scarier.

4) Has any of them buy a military robot company?

Yes, that sounds just like Terminator's Skynet, but that's a fact. Google bought Boston Dynamics, a military robot maker. They are the only tech company not only with the capability to monitor everything, but now with the potential to enforce their control over everyone, including the government.

5) Has any of them build "The Matrix"?
What about Google+? Google screwed-up big time there right? They are far from defeating Facebook, and Youtube users screamed about its intrusion in Youtube right? We actually get it wrong. Google+ is not really geared to defeat Facebook. It is totally geared to create one umbrella online identity. They want to control your online life. In short, I am totally agree with one Guardian article that says Google + is "The Matrix".

So sorry if I just scare you shitless, but hey, better be aware of this danger now! Awareness is the first step in solution right?

Future Microsoft Game Console

Microsoft tried to shove b.s. to suck money from gamers. Their tool: their newest gaming console "Xbox One". What b.s you ask? You know, b.s like the console has to be connected to internet once every 24 hours. Why? Because they want to sell "blast processing" ... sorry, that was what Sega sold 2 decades ago. Now they used the name "Cloud computing." Okaay, I am still skeptical, but maybe MAYBE cloud computing is as awesome as they say ...

But that was not the only b.s. from Microsoft. Xbox One games can't be re-sold without big-brother permission. Their reason for this? The second-hand game market killing the developers ... yeah right. Just like second-hand car burying the car industries, second-hand clothing destroying textile industries, etc.

Oh, other than those 2 b.s., Microsoft also tried to shove its version of Orwell's 1984: Kinect 2.0.. In essence, it is a digital camera-microphone that is equipped with their own processor. It can see everything. EVERYTHING. Even your heartbeat. Oh, since the only way to turn on the Xbox One is via voice command, this baby is ALWAYS ON. They try to b.s that it can be paused. During this paused mode, it can only recognize "Xbox On" phrase. Err ... that means it is till functioning right? It is watching us all the time right? And they introduce this at the same time with the Prism scandal? No wonder Penny Arcade gave it a loaded name "Mandatory Evil Camera." A German official calls it "a twisted nighmare". Nah, either nickname is too blatant for my taste. I prefer to call it "Eye of Sauron" :) 

Of course gamers didn't take it lightly and basically boycotting "The One". The backlash was so severe that one of Microsoft direct competitor, Sony, exploited it to boost the sale of their machine, the PS4. The reaction from gamers is just ... overwhelming. For example, gamers gave Sony standing ovation when they say "WE ARE NOT MICROSOFT," we love status quo! Microsoft decided to cancel  all of their b.s. I think it is too little, too late. And it has to be noted, it is NOT a total reversal. For starters they keep the Eye of Sauron. This actually amplify the current main problem of Xbox One: the lack of trust. I use this "Xbox One" experience to guess future gaming console from Microsoft. I wonder if others think like this too ...

1) XXXbox!
Let's start with the name ... since they think that "Xbox One" is a good name for the successor of "Xbox 360," why don't go for broke? Use the name: XXXbox! It is so hardcore that one X is not enough! It will be ETERNAL, just like porn! Wicked! Bodacious! Cool! Funky! Epic! 

2) Green Pass!

Not only electricity and internet connection, XXXbox could only function if we put a special green sticker, evidence that we pay the company, I mean SUPPORTING THE ENVIRONMENT! Yay! It only cost 10 Bucks per month! What? You hate that? You don't want to save the trees? HEARTLESS BASTARDS! This is about the future of EARTH! How dare you protest this, are you intending to rip off your own planet?

3) Let's monetize EVERY SINGLE DETAIL!

Microsoft already tried to monetize the second-hand game market by ordering re-sellers to pay them. Why stop there? Using the EYE OF SAURON Microsoft can totally monitor how many people access your XXXbox! 

Two gamers playing the game console? ARE YOU TRYING TO BLEED US DRY? Second player has to pay, PAY PAY PAY! 

The whole family want to watch Netflix together with it? HEY, movie theater sold their ticket to EACH INDIVIDUAL! Are you trying to rip-off Microsoft with this so called "family gathering"? Not a chance! PAY, PAY, PAY! 

You stand in front of your TV? HA, that's mean you already intended to play, the machine will start warming up! What? You are not playin? PAY, PAY, PAY!

4) Big Brother Sucker Portal!

Why stop with the "Eye of Sauron"? In the future, you can only play your XXXbox after giving TOTAL CONTROL of your Facebook account, Twitter account, and Bank Account to Microsoft! This is for your own benefit, this way Microsoft will assist you in your social and financial live! No need to worry to buy the Green Pass, family member-pass, extra-gamer-pass or all other extra fee Microsoft will automatically charge you! Microsoft will also charge you for the latest accessories!

Oh, since Microsoft already take over your Twitter and Facebook accounts, they will also charge you everytime you mention their name in bad context! Hey, that "®" and "™" signs are there for a reason you know! How dare you smear that without paying!

LADIES AND GENTLEMAN, that is the future of gaming! Hopefully you liked them. Don't worry, if you hate that ... just buy and play an Xbox 360!

What? You think they won't be THAT evil? C'mon, these guys INSIST on putting Eye of Sauron in your room! 

Bright Color Animals, Poison, and Apple Inc

A non-poisonous frog.
Taken from wikipedia

A poison dart frog

Aposematism

There is one simple wisdom about our environment: bright color animals are usually poisonous! The idea is, the color warns their predators wannabe: "If you eat me, you will die too!" And this is not a mere anecdote or superstition. It's a real biological phenomena called aposematism. Poison dart frog, coral snake, etc use this tactic to survive.

But, since this is an imperfect world, a freeloader is inevitable. Many other animals who are not poisonous at all, develop similar bright colors through evolution. This way they can keep many predators away without the need to produce any kind of poison. There is also a scientific term for that: Batesian mimicry. The 2 frogs on the picture are examples of aposematism & Batesian mimicry.

Note that those Batesian mimics does NOT want to be freeloaders. Evolution here is not about the choice of the freeloaders, since they can't choose the color of their skins. It is about the choice of their predators! It is the predators who choose to avoid bright frogs for example, making bright frogs thrive, regardless whether they really poisonous or not. 

Aposematism in Business world

Same thing happens in our consumer-capitalist world.

In the animal world, bright color indicates poison. In the capitalist world, high price indicates high quality. Of course it is reasonable to charge higher if you have better goods/services. But that makes people think that high price per se is equal with high quality! You know what I am talking right? The overprice shits they sell on infomercials, caviars, etc. Oh, I almost forget, the biggest offender here is APPLE INC. ! They sell overprice products that basically do more or less the same, or even less in comparison with their competitors like Microsoft, Asus, Google, HTC, etc.

First I thought people who buy Apple products REPEATEDLY are just dumb. How come Steve Jobs' overpriced handphone, tablet, and computers used by so many? 

But after second thought, they are not dumb. The ridiculously high price IS part of the charm. That way Apple can claim how "different" they are from other computer producers. That way its users can boast "See this overprice shit with Apple logo on it? Yeah baby, MY PARENTS BUY IT FOR ME, unlike your poor or stingy parents! LOSER!" It is like if those batesian mimics boasting how poisonous they are to their peers too? No no, actually it is like some predators boasting that they avoid some bright frogs. "See how smart I am? I know that is poisonous so I avoid it!" the problem is, they actually got duped. They avoid harmless frogs. They boast their own ignorance. Never mind, most important is, they can boast. Let them be happy.

So Apple fanboys are not idiots. They are just jerks. Certified jerks. And there is another difference too. In the animal world, only the predators influence the process of aposematism and Batesian mimicries. In our capitalist world, both the producers (preys) and consumers (predators) decide his process. So, in other words: Apple Inc. is not an accidental freeloaders. They consciously choose to be freeloaders. Hey, who can blame them, they only want to squeeze tons of money from their customers ... sorry my bad, from their fanboys and worshipers.

Steve Jobs is the best milker of all time. Let's see whether Tim Cook can milk people as good as good ol' Steve!

iOS 6 Maps Sucks Ass so Hard That ...

From this site

Ah, iPhone 5 was launched, and all Apple fanboys cheers. One problem though ... they can't find google map apps anymore. Due to their competition, Apple decided to ditch as many Google services as they can, and replace it with theirs. So, instead of Google maps, iPhone 5 users got iOS 6 Maps. Okay, is it any good? Nah, it sucks ass. Hard. REALLY hard.

It places some museums underwater. It refuses to give any clue how to use public transportation. It named many places erroneously. Here, an article from CNN reporting that. BBC also reports similar phenomena. And if you are interested in performance comparison with google maps, CNET UK has an excellent collection. 

That means, "iOS 6 Maps" sucks ass so hard that ...

• every iPhone 5 "hip" user's throat is currently on the other side of their butthole.
• its "hip & stylish" owner's hair stop growing.
• the "super-hip & stylish" iPhone 5 owners are in constant danger from dehydration.
• the "super-funky-hip & stylish" Apple fans has to learn to breath in vacuum.
• all "super-duper-funky-hip & stylish" Apple fanboys' scalp already surround their ass.
• the devotees of Steve Jobs religion can use their fully-clothed-buttock as a vacuum cleaner to clean their exotic Persian rug ... while STANDING!
• Apple can proclaim a justifiable claim that they are the center of the Universe. The suction is so powerful that it forcefully pull every ass in the universe toward Apple's HQ.

Nice to hear that! Finally an Apple product could entertain sane people who refuse to buy it! Nice to see some random people suddenly got imploded with their ass as the singularity point!