My Dream Car

I am appalled. Whenever I asked most men about their ultimate dream car, most of them answer with sport cars. You know, like:

Lamborghini Aventador? Pff, too regular.

Ferrari F12Berlinetta? It looks like an asshole.

Porsche 911? Are you kiddin me? That car is smaller than my fist!

Aston Martin whatever? Too snobbish.

Bugatti Veyron? Zzzzz ... snore ...

Let me list the reasons why ANY sport car sucks in my city, Jakarta:

1) Maneuverability 

The streets in Jakarta are simply too crowded. That's why you have to be brave to drive in Jakarta whenever you want to move your car to the next lane in a traffic jam. No, don't even try to shout, or scream, or pushing your horn. It is just useless. You only need to hit your gas pedal whenever you see an opening, whatever your distance to the next cars Good luck trying to do that with your Aston Martin! I bet your heart would scream far whenever you think about it. Speaking about crowded streets ...

2) Speed

That means you can't drive faster than 25 kmph. Even in some special cases whenever the streets were empty, you would hit some speed-bumps or holes or even a simple uneven surface. That would damaged your chassis in a blink of an eye. Just imagine your Ferrari's chassis got hit from below by a sledgehammer or pneumatic drill REPEATEDLY. Here, use my tissue to clean-up your tears. You'll need it!

3) Flooding

Other than that, until today (2014) flooding is still a routine problem in Jakarta. Try to run through 0,5 meter flood with your Bugatti Veyron. Picture the moment when dirty-black-waters of Jakarta flooded the gas-guzzling engine of your Bugatti Veyron. Here, I still have more tissues!

4) Criminals

Oh, driving those expensive sport cars would also draw attention of many criminals. You know, carjacks, robbers armed with axe, even corrupt policemen. Picture the moment when you and your sport cars got robbed by one of those criminals. NOT MANLY AT ALL!! BTW, looks like even all my tissues can't help you any longer ...

5) Capacity

The most popular cars in Jakarta are family cars. You know, cars where you bring not only your wife and children, but also your bro's wife, and his children too! Try to put all of that in your Porsche. Unless your  and your bro's whole family are clown by profession, that is just simply impossible! What, your dream cars can't even be used to transport your family? Man, your dream car sucks!

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

That's why none of those cars can hold the candle for my favorite car: GAZ BTR-80.

What? You never heard that name before? That's because most men were too busy eating up all the hype for those USELESS sport cars. That's because most men forget that utility ALWAYS beats fashion. Substance ALWAYS beats style. Their ears become deaf whenever a true dream car, like mine, arrive. Here let me give you its picture:

Here, let me put some of its specs (from wikipedia):

Specifications
Weight	13.6 tonnes (15.0 tons)
Length	7.7 m (25.3 ft)
Width	2.9 m (9.5 ft)
Height	2.41 m (7.9 ft)
Crew	3 (+7 passengers)

Engine	diesel KamAZ-7403 260 hp (190 kW)

Speed	80-90 km/h (49.7–55.9 m/h) swim 10 km/h (6.2 m/h)

Now, let's check those problems that make any sport car sucks again, shall we?

1) Crowded street and maneuverability

No need for arguing, screaming, or horn-pushing. A slight glance from anyone will convince them to give you ANY space! It is either YOUR WAY or the HARD WAY.

2) Speed

Read #1. With BTR-80, you just hit your gas pedal, and you'll brake for no one. Speed bumps? Holes? Uneven roads? Who cares, you are driving an 8 wheel drive armored battle vehicle!

3) Flooding

If you read the specs above carefully, you'll notice that it has 10 kmph swimming speed. Yes, BTR-80  can swim. Yes, IT REALLY CAN SWIM. 

4) Criminals

What kind of criminal dare to touch a combat vehicle? A soon-dead criminal, that's who.

5) Capacity

See the specs above? It can drive 10 people inside. Since the space is huge, you can also bring your whole family AND both yours and theirs motorcycles for examples.

Plus, there is a big bonus for every dad who owns a BTR-80.

Just imagine, everytime you drive your son to their school, EVERYONE would be awed. "Mercedes S Class? BMW? Lexus? Rolls Royce? You still can't beat my dad's BTR-80!"

Here, use my tissue to wipe your manly tears from your manly eyes. You'll need it.

BTW, I guess some of you will argue that Hummer already doing everything in my list. Not really.  Are you and your Hummer brave enough to run THROUGH Jakarta's traffic jam? Can your hummer ignore Indonesian road holes? Can your Hummer swim, I mean CAN IT REALLY SWIM? Is Hummer criminalproof? Can your Hummer bring you and 9 of your friends/families? NO, NO, NO, NO, AND NO!! So screw your Hummer too!

QED: Objectively, my dream car can objectively kick any of your dream car's buttocks anytime, anywhere, especially in Jakarta. Unlike sport cars, for BTR-80, style isn't exist to mask the absence of substance. It is the opposite, it is its utility, its substance that creates, permeates, and radiates style, MANLY STYLE!

Addendum 13.09.2014: I really envy this guy. At the same time, guys like him are those who give me hope for the future of mankind!

Independence and Lex Parsimoniae

The Flag of Chechen Republic of Ichkeria.
Crushed by the Russian government in 1999

Many regions and people demand independence. Tibet from China, Chechnya from Russia, West Papua from Indonesia, South Mindanao from Philippines, Kurds from Turkey, etc. 

Previously, I already said that independence movements are inherently RACIST. I have another reason to take the initial position of supporting the government in crushing those racists: the Occam's razor or lex parsimoniae.

Lex Parsimoniae

For you who are not aware of this simple (pun intended) principle, let me enlighten you. It is a philosophical tool that we used frequently. According to its wikipedia's page, we can say:

"among competing hypotheses, the one that makes the fewest assumptions should be selected." 

In other words: "the simpler, the better."

Here is an example: A tree burned. Why?

We can answer that question by saying some aliens beamed it with their laser gun. But that means we need to assume that aliens exist! Not only that, we also must assume that they have laser gun and motivation to burn that tree!

We can also answer that the tree is part of a larger forest fire. No need for far-fetch assumptions involving alien and laser gun. But, we must assume the tree is located in a forest! We also must assume, SOMETHING must start the forest fire!

The third explanation is, a lightning hit it. No alien & laser guns assumptions necessary. No "located in the forest" assumptions needed. Therefore, this 3rd hypotheses is the best one.

Independence

So how to use this philosophical tool in the case of independence? Simple, COMPARE the 2 different scenarios. The end goal is the same: the prosperity of the people.

Independence scenario:

Current horrible condition -> Tough independence fight -> independence! -> Tough fight against corruption, nepotism, incompetence, etc. -> Prosperity!

Unity scenario:

Current horrible condition -> Tough fight against corruption, nepotism, incompetence, etc. -> Prosperity! 

See that when we don't choose independence we eliminate 2 steps? If that is not simpler, I don't have freakin clue what "simpler" means.

What? You said that the current government can't minimize corruption because they are different race/ethnic/religion? Back again to my previous argument, then you are a racist! Or anti-Muslim/Christian/whatever!

In essence: Fix your damned country, don't break it! Is it that hard?

Bahasa Rusia: Bagian Sulitnya

Konsonan, Konsonan, Konsonan, dan Konsonan!

Salah 1 bagian tersulit dalam bahasa Rusia adalah, banyak kata² Rusia memiliki konsonan yg berderet. Contoh, salah 1 kata PALING DASAR dalam semua bahasa adalah "halo." Dalam bahasa Rusia, "halo" adalah:

Здравствуйте!

Transliterasinya: Zdravstvuytye! Oh iya, menurut aturan dalam bahasa Rusia, setiap deretan konsonan itu harus dibaca DARI AWAL SAMPAI AKHIR TANPA JEDA!! Jadi, kita membacanya zdra-vstvu-ytye!  

Yay, baru mulai belajar saja lidah sudah dipaksa akrobat!

Oh iya, ada aturan tambahan. Kita wajib membaca konsonan secara terpisah seandainya ada "tanda keras"! 

Misalnya, subyek dalam bahasa Rusia adalah:

субъект

Tanda keras tsb mengindikasikan kata tsb dibaca: sub-yekt. Namun, tanda keras ini SEDIKIT.


Penekanan!
Semua bahasa memiliki penekanan. Beberapa huruf bisa ditekan, misalnya kata "peta", penekanan terjadi di huruf "e" sedangkan "a"nya tidak ditekan.

Di bahasa Rusia penekanan menentukan cara membaca huruf "o", "ы" (dibaca: "e" seperti di "ke") dan "e" (dibaca: ye). Semua huruf "o" yang tidak ditekan dibaca "a" dan semua "ы" dan "e" yang tidak ditekan dibaca "и" (i).

Gender

Di banyak bahasa Eropa, setiap kata benda memiliki gender. Ada yg ada yang cuma punya 2 gender, maskulin dan feminim, seperti Spanyol. Ada yang punya 3 gender, maskulin, feminim, dan neutral, seperti Jerman. Dan aturan menentukan gender tsb sering tak logis sama sekali, arbitrer. 

Itu sebabnya sebelumnya saya bilang masalah artikel adalah masalah yg membuat pusing semua orang yg belajar bahasa Jerman. Setiap kali kita menggunakan kata benda, kita harus tahu gendernya agar kita bisa menentukan artikelnya dengan baik dan benar. 

Di bahasa Rusia, walaupun tak ada artikel, setiap kata bendanya masih memiliki gender. Gender ini  ditentukan oleh huruf terakhirnya. Semua yg berakhiran konsonan adalah maskulin, yang berakhiran -a atau -ya adalah feminim, dan yg berakhiran -o atau -ye adalah netral. Dan tak seperti di bahasa Jerman, yang menyamaratakan semua kota sbg feminim (die Stadt), bahasa Rusia juga menerapkan aturan tsb untuk SETIAP NAMA KOTANYA. Walaupun kota/город (dibaca: gorad) sendiri bergender maskulin, setiap kali kita mebicarakan Jakarta misalnya, otomatis kita menganggap Jakarta sbg seorang wanita, karena "Jakarta" diakhiri huruf -a! Begitu pula negara, sungai, gunung, dll. Intinya: jenis kelamin sebuah benda benar² bergantung dari NAMANYA. Itu sebabnya TIDAK ADA nama pria Rusia yang diakhiri huruf -a atau -ya. Sebaliknya untuk nama wanita Rusia, TIDAK ADA yang memiliki -ov, atau -in sbg huruf terakhirnya.

Gender ini penting sebab gender menentukan KATA GANTI setiap benda. Di bahasa Inggris, karena tak ada gender, semua benda non-manusia kata gantinya adalah it. Pengecualian di bahasa Inggris setahu saya cuma ketika membicarakan kapal. Banyak literatur menggunakan she sbg kata ganti sebuah kapal. 

Oh iya, selain kata ganti, gender ini juga menentukan PERUBAHANNYA. Loh? Kata benda bisa berubah?

Kasus

"Kasus" di sini artinya adalah aturan perubahan/deklinasi kata benda. Banyak bahasa seperti bahasa Indonesia, Cina, dll CUMA memiliki 1 kasus. Contohnya adalah:
"Saya memanggil adik" dengan "Adik memanggil saya."
Perhatikan, fungsi "saya" sbg subyek atau obyek ditentukan oleh POSISINYA. Di bahasa² yang memiliki lebih dari satu "kasus", fungsi kata tsb ditentukan oleh BENTUKNYA.

Bahasa Inggris adalah contoh bahasa yg berdiri di tengah². Secara umum, bahasa Inggris cuma punya 1 kasus, tapi "sisa" kasus masih terlihat di kata gantinya. Misalnya untuk kata ganti orang pertama: I digunakan dalam posisi subyek, me ketika orang pertama tsb adalah obyek, my  dan mine untuk menunjukkan kepemilikan. 

Bahasa Jerman memiliki 4 kasus: Nominatif, untuk subyek; Genitiv, untuk kepemilikan; Akkusativ, untuk obyek langsung;dan Dativ untuk obyek tak langsung. Oh iya, Genitiv di bahasa Jerman juga makin jarang digunakan. Terutama dalam bahasa lisan. Orang Jerman lebih suka menggunakan von + Dativ, bukannya genitiv. Banyak yang merasa kasus Genitiv ini sedang sekarat. Teman Jerman saya bahkan mengeluh "Kenapa sih orang Jerman banyak yang tak tahu kapan dan bagaimana menggunakan genitiv?"

Bahasa Rusia memiliki 6 kasus. Selain 4 kasus-nya bahasa Jerman, Rusia memiliki Präpositiv/Locativ untuk menunjukkan posisi, dan Instrumentativ untuk menunjukkan keterangan alat. Dan tak seperti di bahasa Jerman, Genitiv di Rusia itu bukan cuma hidup, tapi juga masih aktif memanjat tebing, lari marathon, berdansa, bermain catur dll! Hei, di Bahasa Rusia, Genitiv adalah kasus yang diajarkan di awal KELAS PALING DASAR, karena penggunaannya yg sangat intensif. Genitiv bahkan diajarkan SEBELUM Akkusativ!

Oh iya, seperti saya bilang sebelumnya, existensi 6 kasus ini membuat urutan kata² menjadi flexibel. Kata benda pertama TIDAK OTOMATIS berarti subyek. Artinya, setiap kali kita membaca sebuah kalimat, kita benar² WAJIB TAHU kasus setiap kata bendanya untuk bisa mengetahui artinya dengan akurat! Yay!

Bahasa Rusia: Bagian Mudahnya

Banyak yang merasa bahasa Rusia itu sulit. Itu ... relatif. Ada bagian yang sulit, ada bagian yang mudah. Mari kita mulai dengan yang mudah!

From ancientscripts.com

Alfabet Cyrillic!

Biasanya, kata² "Bahasa Rusia itu susah loh" diikuti dengan "mereka memiliki alfabet yang aneh!" Breaking news buat semua orang: alfabet Cyrillic tidak susah sama sekali.  Mirip dg alfabet Latin, alfabet Cyrillic itu intinya 1 huruf 1 bunyi.  Bukannya 1 huruf 1 kata seperti ... ehm ... kanji.  Jumlahnya juga cuma lebih banyak sedikit dari alfabet latin (33 vs 26).  Tidak sebanyak katakana-hiragananya bahasa Jepang atau hangulnya bahasa Korea. Apalagi kanji. Jadi, alfabet Cyrillic itu cuma KELIHATANNYA susah.

Tidak ada Artikel!

Satu hal yg membuat banyak orang Inggris & Jerman kesulitan belajar bahasa Rusia, atau sebaliknya: artikel. Dalam bahasa Inggris & Jerman ada artikel definite (the; der, die, das) dan indefinite (a, an; ein, eine). Bahasa Indonesia, Cina, dan banyak bahasa asia lain TIDAK menggunakan artikel. Begitu pula bahasa Rusia. Kemudahan ini tak terlalu terasa ketika kita membandingkannya dengan bahasa Inggris, tapi dalam pelajaran bahasa Jerman, artikel ini adalah SUMBER SAKIT KEPALA UTAMA! Hei, bahkan orang Jerman sendiri cuma MAXIMUM 98% benar ketika menggunakan artikel mereka. 

Tidak wajib ada verba!

Perhatikan, bahasa Inggris, dan Jerman, dan rasanya kebanyakan bahasa Eropa lain, mewajibkan semua kalimatnya memiliki verba! Bahasa Indonesia tidak memiliki aturan ini. Begitu pula bahasa Rusia.

Contoh, kalimat singkat yang sering kita gunakan: "Siapa itu?"

Dalam bahasa inggris: "who is that?"

Dalam bahasa Jerman: "wer ist das? "

Dalam bahasa Rusia: "Кто это?" (Dibaca: Kto eta?) 

Contoh lain, ketika kita memperkenalkan diri: "Saya dari Indonesia."

Dalam bahasa Inggris "I come from America."

Dalam bahasa Jerman "Ich komme aus Deutschland."

Dalam bahasa Rusia "Я из России." (Dibaca: Ya is Rassii.)

Kesederhanaan itu didefinisikan sbg ketiadaan hal² yg tak diperlukan. Kalau bisa membuat kalimat tanpa kata kerja, kenapa tidak? 

RRRRRRRRRR!!

Semua orang sudah biasa mengolok-olok orang Jepang dan cina tak bisa menyebut "r." Tebakan saya, "r" saya akan membuat bingung semua orang Jepang dan Cina yg CUMA menguasai bahasa Jepang atau Cina saja. Hey, ketika saya belajar bahasa Inggris & Jerman saja guru² bahasa saya komplain "r" saya terlalu jelas. Sebaliknya, teman Jerman saya yg belajar bahasa Indonesia mengeluh, lidahnya sulit sekali menyebut "r"nya bahasa Indonesia. Karena itulah di hari pertama pelajaran bahasa Rusia, guru saya meminta semua muridnya menyebut "rrrrr." Tidak ada masalah, "r" saya adalah "r" yg diinginkan orang Rusia!

Tidak ada nada/tonal!

Salah 1 fitur bahasa yang menurut saya PALING menyusahkan adalah nada/tonal. Bahasa² Afrika, Thai, Vietnam, dan Mandarin menggunakannya. Lihat saja contoh ini:

mā(媽/妈) "ibu"
má(麻/麻) "tumbuhan mirip ganja"
mǎ(馬/马) "kuda"
mà(罵/骂) "makian"
ma(嗎/吗) (Partikel yang mengindikasikan kalimat tanya)

Apa pula itu? Untung saya tak punya niat menguasai bahasa Cina. Bagaimana dengan bahasa Rusia? YIPPEE!! Sama seperti Inggris, Jerman, dan Indonesia, bahasa Rusia juga tidak menggunakan nada untuk membedakan kata²nya! 

Jadi ... bahasa Rusia itu mudah? Nope, bahasa Rusia itu tetap sulit. Saya di sini baru bicara kemudahan²nya yg rasanya tak disadari oleh banyak orang Indonesia.

Bahasa Rusia

Selama beberapa bulan terakhir saya belajar bahasa Rusia.

Ada beberapa kekeliruan umum yang dilakukan oleh banyak orang, yang tak paham bahasa Rusia, ketika membaca kata² Rusia:

1) "Kh" itu ditulis "X" dalam Cyrillic, dan dibaca seperti Akhmad 

Orang indonesia kebanyakan membaca "kh" seperti membaca "k". Nope. Yang benar itu, Sukhoi, Sakhalin, Khabarovsk, dst itu dibaca Su-hoi, Sa-ha-lin, Ha-ba-rovsk, dst. 

2) Kebanyakan Huruf "e" dibaca "ye" BUKAN "e"
Bedanya memang tipis, tapi penting. Sebab huruf latin "e" sendiri ditulis "Э".

3) Beberapa huruf "e" dibaca "yo"
Ini sebetulnya salah percetakan Rusia. Untuk menghemat biaya, mereka TIDAK mencetak huruf "ё" tapinya "e". Mereka mengasumsikan, orang² yg paham bahasa Rusia TAHU mana "e" mana "ё." Contoh yg paling umum adalah transliterasi nama premier Uni Soviet, "Никита Хрущёв" menjadi "Nikita Khruschev", padahal yang benar adalah "Nikita Khruschyov."

4) Huruf "o" yang tidak "ditekan" dibaca "a"
Misalnya, nama "Boris" itu penekanannya ada di huruf "i" jadi kita harus membacanya "Baris."

Oh iya, buat yang bilang bahasa Rusia itu sulit, masih untung aturan membacanya itu masih JELAS, seperti bahasa Indonesia dan Jerman. Tidak seperti bahasa Inggris yg ngawur. Gak percaya? Ini beberapa contohnya: 
Huruf "c" bisa dibaca "k" (club) atau "s" (center). 
Bunyi "i" bisa ditulis "i" (idiom) atau "ee" (teeth) atau "ie" (Charlie) atau ... rasanya masih banyak deh ...
Huruf "i" bisa dibaca "i" (idiom) atau "ai" (item).

Dan masih banyak lagi. Cuma di Amerika ada pertandingan mengeja "Spelling Bee," di negara² lain, semua tahu persis bagaimana mengeja bahasa mereka asal lulus SD.

Bullshit Building 15: Peter The Great Statue

Peter the Great is a badass. A naval badass to be precise. He single-handedly turned Russia into a world power by harnessing Russia's energy and directed it to the sea. He even studied how to build a ship in Holland, and worked with his hand! Afterward, He built the first Russian navy, the city of St-Petersburg, etc. Heck, he is so badass that even the communists had to admit that he is a great czar!

Then came this travesty ...

The Beginning

Moscow mayor, Yuri Luzhkov, thinks big. He was revitalizing Moscow at that time, and he thought that a big symbol would be a good idea. Then he met a famous artist Zurab Tsereteli. Same like Luzhkov, Tsereteli thinks big. Very big. EXCESSIVELY BIG! I laughed so hard that I fell from my chair after I read his wikipedia page, especially after I read these paragraphs:

"As a reflection of his controversial reputation, a satiric short story describing Tsereteli as an alien installing a beacon through his various sculptures was published by Boris Akunin in his anthology Fairy Tales for Idiots (Russian: Сказки для идиотов, Skazki dlja idiotov). The alien's name is given as Yagkfi Yeyukuyeudsh (Russian: Ягкфи Еыукуеудш), a seemingly gibberish-like combination which actually spells out "Zurab Tsereteli" when typed on a Latin QWERTY keyboard by hitting the keys where the corresponding Russian characters would be located."

"Tsereteli's works, though often welcomed by the authorities, tend to become objects of strong public criticism. His sculptures are often blamed and mocked for being incongruously pompous and out of proportion."

From The Telegraph

So, what is Tsereteli's ideas for the new-supposed-to-be-great-&-memorable monument of Moscow? A Peter The Great statue, together with reminders that he loved the sea. Oh yeah, the statue also built to celebrate the 300th birthday of Russian navy. Thus we got the 98 meter (315 ft) tall statue ...

It's a big Middle Finger ...

First, every single Russian knows that Peter the Great HATED Moscow. He moved Russian capital to St-Petersburg at first chance. He abhorred every single moment he had to spend in Moscow. Maybe because he was traumatized, since he watched many of his relatives were butchered by a mob in Moscow. Maybe because he identified Moscow with the old aristocracies, who opposed most of his reforms. Maybe because he can't pursue his love for the sea in Moscow. Maybe because all of that factors at the same time. Bottom line: he hates Moscow. So ... why built his statue in Moscow? It is just like a big middle finger to Peter, AND to Moscow.

Second, I need to inform people who don't have any clue about the geographical condition of Moscow in case it is not clear enough. Moscow is located several hundreds miles away from the nearest sea. Yup, the statue that celebrate the Russian navy was built on a land-locked city. So, this statue is also a middle-finger to the Russian navy.

From: Oddstuff Magazine

Third, most people agree that the statue is as ugly as a monkey's ass. Local Muscovites call the statue "Gulliver" since it portrayed Peter as a giant, while riding a lilliputian ship, AND gathering lilliputian of  lilliputian fleet below him. Remember the previous criticism in Wikipedia about pomposity and screwed-up proportion? This statue demonstrates that those criticisms are valid. The Artnews even quoted Tsreteli's nemesis, Marat Guelman who said that Tsereteli has confused the history of art and "Guinnes Book of Record."  So, in essence, this is also a big middle-finger for anyone who has good artistic taste.

DITCH IT!

No surprise when Luzhkov was sacked, many people were screaming to ditch this statue. The Muscovites pointed out that St-Petersburg is a far more appropriate location, since that city bear Peter's name, founded by Peter, and acted as the HQ of Russian Baltic Fleet. The people in St-Petersburg responded by saying HELL NO! Some prominent figures even so disgusted by the statue they propose to melt the statue completely. Fortunately, the city of Arkhangel, the very first Russian port, agree to accept the statue. 

Unfortunately, the cost of dismantling the statue is enormous: 6 - 17 million Dollar. Not cool. So, the city of Moscow until today is forced to live with this statue.

Sources: 

Pravda

The Telegraph

Art News

Reuters

Oddstuff Magazine

Russian Jokes

Here are some of the best Russian jokes I managed to find in the internet:

A Mercedes stops, and an old Zaporozhets crashes into it. Two goons in suits get out, approach an old man in his old car and ask him: "Hi, now you owe us so-o much... you're going to pay or we'll talk ...differently?"

Old dude replies "Ah, I haven't much money with me, perhaps you need to talk with my son."

"And who's your son?"

"Chief of the poultry farm."

"Well, call him!"

Five minutes later an armored carrier stops nearby and several big, armed troopers jumps out. "Dad, how many times must I tell you? My job's NOT called Chief of the Poultry Farm, but Commander of the Falcon Special Detachment!"

++++++++++++++++++++++

A Frenchman, a German, and a Russian go on a safari and are captured by cannibals. They are brought to the chief, who says, "We are going to eat you right now. But I am a civilized man, I studied human rights at the Patrice Lumumba University in Moscow, so I'll grant each of you a last request."

The German asks for a mug of beer and a bratwurst. He gets it and the cannibals eat him.

The Frenchman asks for three girls. He has crazy sex with them, and then follows the German.

The Russian asks: "Hit me hard, right on my nose." The chief is surprised, but hits him. The Russian pulls out a Kalashnikov and shoots all the cannibals. The mortally wounded chief asks him: "Why didn't you do this before we ate the German?", the Russian proudly replies:

"Russians are not aggressors! Russians only defend themselves!"

++++++++++++++++++++++

A Frenchman, a Japanese and a Russian were trapped by Tzar. He locked them in a closed chamber and asked to surprise him using three steel balls – the winner will be released, the others will be executed.

In a week the Frenchman demonstrates a juggle with the balls.

The Japanese has created a rock garden.

The Russian sits sad in his chamber with only one ball in his hands. The Tzar asks him: "Why are you so sad and where are the other balls?". The Russian answers: "One broken, one lost".

++++++++++++++++++++++

In the zoo, two girls are discussing a gorilla with a huge penis: "THAT's what a real man must have!" A Georgian passer-by sarcastically remarks: "You are badly mistaken. THIS is what a real man must have!", and produces a thick wallet.

++++++++++++++++++++++

Chinese hackers cracked Pentagon's server. Each of them tried to login with the password "Mao Tse-Tung". On the 2,934,568th attempt the server agreed.

++++++++++++++++++++++

Let me close this list with this anecdote:

Tell a joke to a German, and he will not understand it.

Tell a joke to an Englishman, and he will understand it, but won't show it.

Tell a joke to a Japanese, and he will understand it his own way.

Tell a joke to a Russian, and he will tell you that he knows three more versions of that joke that are much better.

Homage to "Katyusha"

I already mentioned before, I have soft spot for Russian culture. That's why yesterday I was curious to find out about their folk song. I found the song called Катюша , or "Katyusha". 

Holy hell ... that is one of the most beautiful song I have ever heard.

But that is not all. I noticed that "Katyusha" is also the name of rocket artillery employed by the Russians during 2nd World War. I thought the name of this song was inspired by the artillery. Turned out it was the other way around. The artillery's name was inspired by this song, since this song was used during the "Great Patriotic War" firstly as a farewell song to the soldiers.

... I literally shed my tears of joy when I read that. That is simply the most beautiful facts about ANY song I have ever heard.

So, here is the song: 

And here is the lyrics:

Top 10 Skyscrapers

I already poked fun to tons of "Bullshit Buildings," but let's make a more positive list. Here I will list my top 10 favorite skyscrapers. This totally depends on my taste on architecture, and has nothing to do with its utility. Some of them also were canceled or not yet built.

From: EnglishRussia

10) Ostankino Tower

Location: Moscow Russia

Built: 1963 - 1967

Pinnacle Height: 540 m

There are tons of sky-high tower. My personal favorite is Ostankino Tower in Moscow.

I have to admit, I am extremely biased when I choose this tower instead of other more popular towers like CN Towers. Hey, blame my soft-spot for anything Russian, but since this is a subjective list, of course my bias is the whole point. So, why not started it with this one?

Besides, despite its tallness, it is not too fat like Tokyo Skytree, or involving any extreme deviation from the straight-line nearby its top like the Kuala Lumpur Tower or Tianjin TV & Radio Tower. Oh yeah, I also dislike non-solidness, the mast-ness (Is that an existing English word?) of Tokyo Skytree and Canton Tower.

Ostankino Tower represent the best of the best of the towers, started this list at #10.

9) Burj Khalifa

Location: Dubai, United Arab Emirates

Built: 2004 - 2010

Pinnacle Heigh: 830 m

Floor Area: 517.240 m²

Blame it to the publicity. Blame it to the media. Whatever. I like this extremely well-known skyscraper. I once criticized the Abraj-al-Bait as ugly, this skyscraper can be said at its anti-thesis.

You can feel the Arabian atmosphere permeated by its shape. Unlike the Abraj-al-Bait that basically shouts "HEY, I am the Arabian ripped-off of Big Ben!" this design screams originality.

If you view it from top, it is even cooler. Unlike most building here when you saw blocky shape from top, this sky scraper has tri-star shape, showing stability, beauty, and elegance at the same time.

Oh yeah, the spectacular Dubai fountain also located right in front of this giant. That adds another point for this building.

Originality, publicity, and the most spectacular music fountain secured the #9 position for Burj Khalifa.

8) Palace of the Soviets:

Location: Moscow, Russia

Built: Cancelled

Pinnacle Height: 495 m

Floor Area: ??

Despite all of the bullshitness of this building, I must admit that the design is awesome.

Yes, I am serious in putting one of the bullshit building in this list.

Why not? I already stated that every single building made to this list 100% by its aesthetic, not its utility. For the palace of the Soviets, it is not only tall, but also wide, large, and the statue on top of it adds grandeur to the already cool design. Even better, there is a large empty space in front of it, further enhancing its awesomeness. 

I can't help but wonder "Wow, if there is some miracle and they managed to erect this building, I will be awed when I stand in front of it and stare it with my own eyes."

For its grandeur, this bullshit building earned itself #8.

From: Bustler

7) Kingdom Tower

Location: Jeddah, Saudi Arabia

Built: Proposed

Pinnacle Height: 1.000 m

Floor Area: 319.000 m²

Holy hell, they really planned to build a 1 km tall building? I mean ... ONE KILOMETER TALL BUILDING? Shit just got real!

That alone clenched a position in this Top 10 list. But that is not all. Unlike the Abraj-al-Bait, the design of this tower is very sleek and modern.

It is also very simple. Sometimes, simple design just work. Hey, one reason why the Abraj-al-bait is ugly as hell is its nonsensical complexity.

What else could be said about this tall tower? Hmm ... ah, why give a shit, it is a goddamn 1 kilometer building! Height doesn't always translated into beauty but 1 kilometer of height is just too awesome to be ignored. Of course it deserves #7 position! NEXT!

From:
wikipedia

6) Empire State Building

Location: New York, USA

Built: 1930 - 1931

Pinnacle Height: 443 m

Floor Area: 208.879 m²

Unlike many other building here, this one was already known by all of us since our primary school time, I presume.  It is everywhere, it is one of the most iconic representation of the phrase "sky scraper" itself. This building already captivated my eyes when I read the word "sky scraper" for the first time, thus I am quite sentimental about this tower.

But sentimentality is not the only reason why this building was included in this list. The art-deco architecture here combined the blocky shape of the tower, and the sharpness of the antennae gracefully. 

This proportionally perfect skyscraper also impressed me with its intricacies, and symmetries. The fact that it looks like it had several blocks also added to its sophistication.

It is impossible not to put this classic and iconic building on this list, therefore the Empire State Building stand tall at #6.

From arkoudi.de

5) Ulmer Münster

Location: Ulm, Germany

Built: 1377 - 1890

Pinnacle Height: 161,5 m
I am not really into church and cathedral architecture. But I make an exception for this one. With good reasons.

It is tall, it is grand, it is antique, it is the Ulmer Münster, the tallest church in da world. Yes, in da world!

It is the pinnacle of all Gothic design. It is the pinnacle of cathedral architecture. It is the pinnacle of Germany Christendom.

And this is also the only building in this list that was built BEFORE the beginning of 20th century. You have to respect that!

Ulmer Münster contemplatively sitting at #5.

By Path2k6

4) John Hancock Center

Location: Chicago, USA

Built: 1965 - 1969

Pinnacle Height: 457 m

Floor Area: 260.126 m²
Like I said before, sometimes, a simple design is the aesthetically best design. John Hancock Center in Chicago is a fine example of it. It is just a "simple black block with 2 antennae" but this building is still really cool.

The simple "block" design gives the impression of firmness, stability, and solidity.

The simple "black" color gleams the aura of non-compromise, strength, and power.

The dual antennae strangely increase the size of the building, enhancing its aura enormously.

John Hancock Center utilizes simplicity at most, comfortably rests at #4.

By Calvin Teo

3) Parkview Square

Location: Singapore

Built: 1999 - 2002

Pinnacle Height: 144 m

Floor Area: 39.145 m²

Unlike other skycrapers listed here, this one is not even reached 150 m. But this is about aesthetic, not height. Height does not always translated into beauty.

This building really fascinated me because during my stay in Singapore, this building shine in extreme awesomeness in comparison with its surrounding. Its classiness put other bland Singaporean buildings into shame. Effortlessly. Totally. Undoubtedly.

That's why my view on Singapore's downtown always focuses on this specific classic building. The art deco and oriental combination of the design works extremely beautifully here.

Parkview Square is an oasis in the middle of the desert of blandness named "Singapore downtown," without any problem grabbed the #3 position.

From:
Foster&Partners

2) Russia Tower

Location: Moscow, Russia

Built: cancelled

Pinnacle Height: ca. 600 m

Floor Area: 520.800 m²

Why Russians have the habit of canceling very awesome buildings? 

Seriously, when I saw this building's sketch, it was love at first sight. It soars high to the sky, and the beam from the lamp on its roof amplify that impression even more! 

It also reminded me of the ancient pyramid, while at the same time permeates modernity. Russian style modernity? The soaring light also imbued this skyscraper with the majestic aura it deserves.

Oh yeah, finally, bonus point for being located in Russia, and has "Russia" in its name! You can't be more Russian than that!

Russia Tower, towering at #2.

And the best sky scraper is ...

By Mätes II

1) Jin Mao Tower

Location: Shanghai, People's Republic of China

Built: 1994 - 1998

Pinnacle Height: 420 m

Floor Area: 278.707 m²
It is tall, it is majestic, it is classic, it is totally Chinese. It is the Jin Mao Tower. With so many terrific buildings in this world, it is a tough job to get #1, but the Jin Mao Tower did it.

Just see that building. It invokes grandeur permeated by ancient Chinese pagodas. And amplify it with its size. 

What else? Let's see ... it's shape radiates the classical-oriental aura and its material produces modern feeling, enhancing both contradictory feeling. Sounds impossible, but that's why this building is the best-designed building in this world, aesthetically, in my opinion.

Jin Mao Tower somehow woven 2 impossible contradictory aura, got the pinnacle position at this list.

Sources:

Emporis

Skyscraperpage