Russian Jokes

Here are some of the best Russian jokes I managed to find in the internet:

A Mercedes stops, and an old Zaporozhets crashes into it. Two goons in suits get out, approach an old man in his old car and ask him: "Hi, now you owe us so-o much... you're going to pay or we'll talk ...differently?"

Old dude replies "Ah, I haven't much money with me, perhaps you need to talk with my son."

"And who's your son?"

"Chief of the poultry farm."

"Well, call him!"

Five minutes later an armored carrier stops nearby and several big, armed troopers jumps out. "Dad, how many times must I tell you? My job's NOT called Chief of the Poultry Farm, but Commander of the Falcon Special Detachment!"

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A Frenchman, a German, and a Russian go on a safari and are captured by cannibals. They are brought to the chief, who says, "We are going to eat you right now. But I am a civilized man, I studied human rights at the Patrice Lumumba University in Moscow, so I'll grant each of you a last request."

The German asks for a mug of beer and a bratwurst. He gets it and the cannibals eat him.

The Frenchman asks for three girls. He has crazy sex with them, and then follows the German.

The Russian asks: "Hit me hard, right on my nose." The chief is surprised, but hits him. The Russian pulls out a Kalashnikov and shoots all the cannibals. The mortally wounded chief asks him: "Why didn't you do this before we ate the German?", the Russian proudly replies:

"Russians are not aggressors! Russians only defend themselves!"

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A Frenchman, a Japanese and a Russian were trapped by Tzar. He locked them in a closed chamber and asked to surprise him using three steel balls – the winner will be released, the others will be executed.

In a week the Frenchman demonstrates a juggle with the balls.

The Japanese has created a rock garden.

The Russian sits sad in his chamber with only one ball in his hands. The Tzar asks him: "Why are you so sad and where are the other balls?". The Russian answers: "One broken, one lost".

++++++++++++++++++++++

In the zoo, two girls are discussing a gorilla with a huge penis: "THAT's what a real man must have!" A Georgian passer-by sarcastically remarks: "You are badly mistaken. THIS is what a real man must have!", and produces a thick wallet.

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Chinese hackers cracked Pentagon's server. Each of them tried to login with the password "Mao Tse-Tung". On the 2,934,568th attempt the server agreed.

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Let me close this list with this anecdote:

Tell a joke to a German, and he will not understand it.

Tell a joke to an Englishman, and he will understand it, but won't show it.

Tell a joke to a Japanese, and he will understand it his own way.

Tell a joke to a Russian, and he will tell you that he knows three more versions of that joke that are much better.