Battleships in the Pacific War

There is no God.

Because if there is one, I wouldn't be born in the 20th century and live most of my life in the 21st century. I would be born either at 4 April 1884 in Nagaoka, Niigata, or 11 May 1888 in Natlee, Kentucky, and spend the best day of my life FIGHTIN in the Pacific War during the twilight days of battleships. I could rectify the mistakes made by 2 admirals, and gives a deserving end for the battleships era. How could an omni-benevolent being torment and torture me by denying me that opportunity?`Hence: there is no God.

First case: Solomon Campaign

The 1st date is the date and place of birth of admiral Yamamoto Isoroku, the Imperial Japanese combined fleet commander during the Pacific war. He was instrumental in shaping the Pacific war, but here I just want to focus on his role in the Solomon campaign.

As I already said before, world war 2 is the twilight days of the battleships. Shortly before it, they were the most important thing in your navy. Heck, they were the equivalent of today's nuclear warhead! The rise of airpower, jet propulsion, and many other technologies end that status. But in this war, battleships were still important. They were used to provide flak curtain to protect carriers. for example. Other than that, they bombarded enemies' shore installation to smithereens. 

Now, we come to Guadalcanal, Southern Solomon. The Americans in 1942 managed to conquer the island and built a small aerodrome, Henderson Field. The Japanese were determined to take it back. Unfortunately, the Japanese Navy and Japanese Army quarrels like the Roses. The Americans managed to stand repeated Japanese naval, land, and aerial assaults.

Fed up with this stalemate, admiral Yamamoto send 2 fast battleships Haruna and Kongo to bombard Henderson Field with their 356 mm cannons. The Americans couldn't contest this bombardment since they had no comparable ships at that time. So, the mighty battlewagons rained hell over Guadalcanal. After the bombardment, the Americans were dazed, confused, and most importantly ... scared shitless. So, they repeat this follow-up this bombardment with land assault? Nope. They missed their chance, the Americans managed to recover from the bombardment, and reinforced their position. When the Japanese finally "get it," they send fast battleships Hiei and Kirishima to repeat the bombardment. But this time the Americans ships interdicted them in the "Naval battles of Guadalcanal." At the first night, the US under Rear Admiral Callaghan, challenged the Japanese using cruisers only. Despite his clumsiness, he surprised the Japanese fleet. He managed to cripple Hiei, but all the cruisers were wiped out, and he also lost his life. At  the second night, the US got battleships Washington and South Dakota to protect Guadalcanal under the command of admiral Willis "Ching" Lee. This time, they managed to sunk Kirishima without losing ships bigger than destroyers. In the end, the Japanese forces evacuated from Guadalcanal, marking the whole campaign as the "turning point of the Pacific war."

What I would have done: Operation 彼らkareraのno母hahaのno膣chitsuにni戻ってmodotteヤンキースyankiisuをwoスイープsuiipu異常ijixyouにni混乱konranしshiたta状況jixyoukixyou (Shitstorm that sweeps the Yankees back to their mother's vagina)

Note: The Japanese usually named their military operation with ridiculous name like "ichigo" (strawberry) or "Z", not this time!  

Let me ask you, what is the most famous battleship of all time? Big chance the answer is "Yamato," small wonder, it is the biggest battleship of all time, with the largest cannons, thickest armor, etc.

Check again the name of the fast battleships send by the Japanese. None of them named "Yamato" or her sister ship "Musashi". You see ... the Japanese super-battleships at that time was parked at Truk lagoon, around 1200 miles North of Guadalcanal, acting as Yamamoto's flagship. Japanese sailors DETESTED this treatment, "Why we have to die at the frontline while that big Yamato stand like a hotel in safe water?" Amen.

Yamamoto and other Japanese big shots didn't send Yamato and Musashi because they were worried that narrow seas like the one around Guadalcanal make them vulnerable to torpedo attacks. What? Seriously? 

If I was born as Yamamoto at that time I would say "Okay, just sweep those yankees using our battleships. Send Hiei, Kirishima, Haruna, Kongo, Yamato, and Musashi at the same time. I'll lead in Musashi. Kongo and all 3 sisters of hers should come first and inspect the perimeter, attack any US ships that were stupid enough to stay. If the coast is clear, Yamato and Musashi will start the hellfire with their 460 mm cannons. Once the bombardment is over, Yamato and Musashi could retreat, while Haruna - Kongo repeated their past experience, for good measures, let Hiei - Kirishima stand on guard. If Haruna and Kongo alone managed to scare them shitless, let's see how they can handle six of us now! If Haruna and Kongo alone destroyed them THAT BAD, let's see how they manage Yamato and Musashi too!"

Let's imagine what would happen if Callaghan met Yamamoto's battle fleet. Most likely he would refuse to give battle and retreat. But just consider, even in BEST CASE SCENARIO where he managed to cripple Hiei just like in reality, Yamamoto can just shrug it, sunk all US ships, then finally bombarded the Henderson Field.

That, ladies and gentleman, was HOW YOU USE YOUR BATTLESHIPS! Every military historian agree, the bombardment was the HIGH-POINT for battleship in the Pacific War. The parking of the superbattleships in Truk Lagoon was not even the low-point. Heck, they didn't even exist in the same sentence! What's the point of having such expensive ships if you only park them on safe harbor? What a waste ...

And speaking of waste ...

USS North Carolina

Battleship Nagato. From wikipedia

Second case: The Great Marianas Turkey Shoot

After the US re-conquered Solomon Islands, Papua, and Central Pacific in 1943 - early 1944, they moved to the inner defense of the Empire: the Marianas. Unlike during the Solomon campaign. This time the US already created the "Big Blue Fleet" or as I call it "the Fuck YEAH fleet!"

Why "Fuck Yeah"? How else you call it, I mean, this fleet could launch more than 1.000 aircrafts. Therefore, they DIDN'T CARE whether they fight Japanese carriers or airfields, they could overwhelm it in seconds. 

Battleship Yamato. From wikipedia.

South Dakota class

They packed punch not only because of the 1000+ aircrafts, but also because of the 7 modern battleships. At that time, they had USS Washington & North Carolina from North Carolina Class; USS Alabama, Indiana, and South Dakota from South Dakota class; and USS Iowa & New Jersey from Iowa class. These battleships were under  admiral Willis "Ching" Lee, the victor of the 2nd naval battle of Guadalcanal.

When the FY fleet moved to Mariana, it was lead by admiral Raymond Spruance, victor of battle of Midway. He checked his map, his schedule, and all intelligence data ... and he found one interesting point. His fleet could meet the Japanese fleet at night, and fight it out in a SURFACE battle instead of aerial one. He asked Lee whether that was desirable. Lee said he didn't want to fight against the Japanese in the night again. Spruance agreed with him and thus "The Great Marianas Turkey Shoot" was fight as an aerial battle.

What I would have done: Operation Iron Storm

If God exists, I should have been born as that Willis "Ching" Lee. I would said:

"HELL YEAH, I really want to fight them with my own battleships! Screw the fact that there is no need to endanger the crews and the mission! As far as I am concerned, this is the last chance to see World War 2 version of battle of Jutland. As a battleship admiral, IT IS A BLASPHEMY to avoid this fight. This is no longer about the war, the mission, or the crews, this is about higher power, about our DHARMA in this cruel world! This ... is about a fitting end for an epic that already lasted for centuries! This is the final showdown for battleships!"

Spruance was a battleship admiral. He would understand, and nodded in agreement.

Willis "Ching" Lee. The man
who screws my mind, years
after his death.

Then we could have the most spectacular surface battle EVER. The Japanese got Yamato, Musashi, Nagato, Haruna, and Kongo. Imagined the final fight between the Japanese battleships and the "Fuck YEAH Fleet". It would be GLORIOUS. It would be EPIC. The Japanese would launch their floatplanes, which would routinely drop spectacular flares above the US ships. The Imperial cruisers would lead its destroyers in torpedo attacks, tryin to hit US battleships. The US would use their superior radar to direct their shots. Shells would flyin around. 460, 406, and 356 mm shells above all, penetratin belt, and deck armors. It would be ... beyond the most vivid wet dream imagined! It would be MORE HARDCORE than the most hardcore gangbang video that involve lesbians! This is a fittin end for the battleship era. An epic epilogue of such spectacular class.

SNAP!!

Sadly, all of that is only a dream. Yes, only a dream, because LEE SHRUGGED IT OFF!! The fact is, the last battleship vs battleship battle is the battle of Surigao strait. In case you don't know, that battle was about 6 old US Battleships shootin 2 old Imperial battleships, Yamashiro & Fuso, like shootin a fish in a barrel ... with auto-shotguns! 

ARGH, HOW COULD HE? This is not fair, this is the last chance of battleship vs battleship battle, and LEE SHRUGGED IT OFF! Lee has gravely sinned against the naval God, HOW COULD HE?? He should be court-martialed, sacked, and ... and ... AAARGH!! TRAVESTY! BLASPHEMY! CRIME AGAINST HUMANITY! HOW COULD HE? HOW COOOUULLDD HEEE??